A long time ago, when I had more hair and my wife had a pristine uterus, we used to hang out with a couple of close friends named Chris and Abby. They were our partners in crime and we had a ton of fun together! They were our go-to couple when we felt like tearing up the town a little. I have a lot of great memories with them— concerts, holiday parties, and happy hours. Life was good!
Then something horrible happened. Chris and Abby had kids and we never saw them again.
Ever. Again. Done.
No more fun times, no more laughs, and no more memories. My dear friends were now trapped at home with little mucus monsters—children that were picking up every type of illness known to man from their daycare. Again, at the time I was kid-less and really could not understand why in the world they always had something wrong with them! Coughing, sneezing, and aches and pains now ruled Chris and Abby’s lives. Our days of Jagermeister shots had now turned into shots of Dayquil and Robitussin.
I would always sarcastically joke to them saying “Geez why don’t you start treating yourselves better! Take your vitamin C and eat healthier. I’m sick of you being sick all the time—your illness is affecting my social life!”
Boy was I in for a rude awakening.
Fast forward now about six years and I’m sitting here writing a blog post with a blanket around me and the smell of Vaporub under my nose. Two kids upstairs coughing away as I quietly sip my nightcap of Tylenol PM.
I want to officially apologize to Chris and Abby for all the crap I gave them about being sick. I totally get it now. I have two phlegm factories of my own now that have brought every strange ailment, illness, virus, and some sort of oddly colored crusty skin rash that smells funny, through our front door.
Over the past couple years we’ve been blessed with Croup, Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, Tonsillitis, eye cysts, inflamed Eczema, and maybe a common cold thrown in here and there.
I’ve been to the doctor more this year than I have in the entire 37 years of my life! We’re in a constant sick family rotation. One kid will get something funky and then pass it on to the sibling and then inevitably mom and dad get it. I’ve had things that I’ve never even heard of before. Shingles? Don’t those go on your roof? Never did I imagine that I’d be spending so much time in my life wiping various fluids from other people’s faces… and rear ends. Yeesh. I think we are single-handedly keeping the Lysol industry in business. Every surface here at home has some sort of disinfectant on it. I have drawers full of medicines and creams that I can’t even pronounce. Our hall closet is fully stocked with Vicks, vaporizers, Kleenex, and cans of chicken soup ready for the winter flu season.
So here’s to my friends Chris and Abby—although we never see each other anymore, I think of you every time I feel a sniffle coming on. To all of you new parents reading this, best of luck raising your little germ incubators. Wash your sheets, wash your hands, and wash your children, because kids are GROSS!