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The Most Disgusting Sandwich

“Shut your blaspheming mouth!”

“You’re disgusting!”

“I can’t stand you and your opinions!”

“You’re an idiot!”

“The only time I use peanut butter is to trap mice, and that's it... “

These are just some of the charming opinions that were posted on my Facebook after I proclaimed on the radio show that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the most disgusting sandwich on the planet.

Wow, people - you’re so kind, and what’s up with the one about mice?

Anyway…. I’m sorry it’s just how I feel. It’s a texture thing for me I guess. The thickness of the peanut butter mixed with the stale cold jelly/jam/preserves that you dig out from the back of your refrigerator - it all just becomes a mishmash of flavors that don’t belong in my belly. It’s a lazy meal and I have no use for it. The flavor sucks and the bread just falls apart. It’s trashy and that’s where it belongs. In the trash.

This particular abomination of a sandwich is reserved for starving college kids who can’t afford a decent meal and for children 10 and under - who just don’t know any better.

That’s it. It’s a child’s sandwich. Just thinking about this crappy concoction takes me back to elementary school lunches. Sitting down in the school cafeteria expecting a delicious slice of leftover pizza from Mom, but to my disappointment, I cracked open my He-Man lunch box to find a nasty soggy greasy blob of bread with some sort of discolored ooze sticking to the inside of a Ziploc bag. After a couple of bites of that monstrosity - the appeal will forever be stained. Toss that junk into the trash and hit recess, it’s time for tetherball!

Maybe that’s why I hate it so much.

I did read a stat the other day that talked about how the average American will eat over 2000 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by the time they graduate from high school. NO wonder by the time I became an adult I was sick of pounding these barf meals down my jelly hole - my pallet has become much more sophisticated now, and I’m turning my nose up to this American classic.

Another factor in my hatred of this deplorable sandwich probably comes from some of my OCD tendencies. I like everything neat and tidy - in its place - lined up and looking good. The PBJ is a visual disaster, there is no way of making it look presentable. It’s a smeary, sloppy, ooey gooey mess that makes me wince every time I see one. I need nicely presented meats and cheeses on a fresh hoagie spaced evenly apart to satisfy my sandwich snobbery.

I understand this is an unpopular opinion to have toward such an iconic dish - but it needs to be said. This is a stereotypical case of “looks like there’s more for you” - because I’m not backing down. The PB&J is a total puke fest, with or without crusts.

Thank you.

Champagne Showers

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed the other day and I stumbled on a video that was making the rounds here in Denver. The Mile High City was abuzz because our Denver Nuggets basketball team clinched a spot in the 2019 playoffs. The celebrations started online with pictures and tweets commemorating this wonderful accomplishment. One of most exciting videos was that of Nuggets head coach Michael Malone making his way into the locker room after the big win to fist bump his super tall team - and after a few celebratory words something happened that has always confused me.

Liquid celebrations.

The act of taking some sort of liquid and drenching your teammates with it like kids in the 90’s with a Super Soaker water gun - making a complete and total mess of your surroundings. Baptizing your teammates with bottles of water in the Nuggets case, or in most circumstances wasting hundreds of dollars on fancy champagne as you drench lockers, lights, and camera crews after the big win.

Like I said, it confuses the heck out of me as to why sports teams do this. I wouldn’t want to walk around all sticky for the rest of the afternoon and I can’t imagine the dollar amount for the damage caused by the moisture merriment. It’s a strange ritual in my opinion and although dumbfounded when I see it happen, deep down the Super Bowl champ inside me wants to be a part of it all!

I want to be a part of this ridiculous jubilee where I get to soak everyone and everything around me! I want to make a mess.

My sports days are behind me so it’s highly doubtful that winning some sort of athletic contest will lead me to this kind of celebration. So here’s my question: why is this only reserved for professional sports players? Why can’t we adopt this type of celebration in our everyday life?

Who’s with me? You don’t have to be a superstar in a locker room somewhere to have this much fun.

Your kid comes home with straight A’s - I say you surprise him with a blast in the face with a bottle of Hawaiian Punch! Your husband gets a big promotion at work - how about an Arbor Mist bath right there in the kitchen?!

Exciting right?

Or maybe you just saved 50 bucks at the grocery store by clipping coupons …girl it’s time to party! Gather the family around the living room for a juice box shower.

These pressure-washing parties should always be an option when celebrating milestones in our mundane lives - not just for these millionaire sports personalities. I guarantee your grandma is gonna love the purple Gatorade drenching on her 80th, and your sister who just announced she’s going Vegan better get ready for an almond milk enema because it’s time to let the liquid flow!

Honestly, do you ever see these sports dudes frowning when the Veuve Clicquot sprinklers start firing off? Nope, they always have a big cheesy smile plastered on their face and I want YOU to be smiling too. Join me won’t you, in embracing this idea. Grab a poncho and some Pommery - let’s warm up those wrists - shake that baby up and have a bubbly blowout right there at the DMV because they FINALLY called your number!

You in? Let’s get goofy.

The Early Bird Gets Lucky

I’m naturally a night owl - just the way I’m wired I guess. I like watching the late night talk shows, love getting work done when everyone is tucked into bed and it’s nice and quiet, and let’s be honest those gross IPA’s start tasting a little bit better after 11 pm.

Unfortunately, for the past 15 years it’s been hard for me to enjoy my natural circadian rhythm because of my job. Working morning radio shakes me awake at 3:30 AM and gives me a good slumber shove into the sheets at 8:30 at night. So basically this natural night owl has been forced into the early bird lifestyle. Tweet. Tweet.

I know you’re saying quit complaining Jer, you have one of the coolest jobs on the planet - but I assure you if you rocked this gig, you too would miss being able to make wishes on shooting stars every night as well.

The reason I bring all of this lamenting up is because I was pretty stoked to see a study that was just released for World Sleep Day touting all of the benefits of being an early riser! After giving the article a quick skim - I gotta say I’m ready to wipe the goo out of my eyes and start welcoming the sunrise with a better attitude.

Score one for this sleepy head!

Check this greatness out. According to this goofy study, early risers make more money than night owls - high-five bank account - AND they have better sex lives!

Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

We’re getting freaky deaky like 3 times a week…no WONDER I’m so tired. Ha!

When it comes to social media we use the dreaded Facebook more often - although I’m more of an Instagram guy - we’re more likely to be happily married, we’re clean, we’re organized, and we love to be physically active! #HeartHealty Check. Check. Check. Check.

(Although don’t get me started on the whole starting at a new gym issue again - check it out HERE if you missed that funny discussion.)

Finally, one of the biggest factors that stuck out to me in this study is that ante meridiem (AM) peeps are generally happier with their life. How about that?! Getting up early translates to a more positive outlook on your day and an uptick in general life satisfaction. Sacrificing late nights out and rising with the bunnies will add a little spring to your step, get you lucky (hopefully), make you a couple more extra bucks, and at the end of the day you’ll lay your head down on that pillow with a cheesy smile on your face. Guess those drowsy mornings might be worth it after all.

Check out the whole story HERE if you want to learn more, and happy World Sleep Day.

Stop Singing!

The time has come for family restaurant chains to make a drastic change to their business model. It’s time to sit down with your marketing teams, managers, and restaurant owners and have a discussion about eliminating one of the most annoying things about casual family dining.

I experienced it again about a week ago when my wife and I loaded up the kiddos for a spontaneous little dinner out. It was late in the week and neither one of us had the energy to crack open the oven to make a meal, and we didn’t even want to think about the pile of dishes that would follow! Yuck.

So, we loaded up the family SUV and zipped on down to one of our favorite little steak places. We arrived early and the restaurant was fairly empty. We were greeted by a lovely young lady that escorted us to a delightful corner booth. The waiter came over and dispensed with the typical welcoming script of drink specials, appetizer choices, and the five dollar shrimp skewer up-sale. After a quick perusal of the menu and about fifteen minutes later, we all had our meals and everyone was forks deep in cow.

Soon after, the restaurant started filling up... and that’s when the annoyances began. That’s when the birthday celebrations started and the horribly written - corporate mandated birthday song was unleashed.

We counted four of them during our time at the restaurant that evening. Four times a disgruntled looking wait staff lumbered over to an unsuspecting patron to WOW the steakhouse with their witty little birthday parody. Piecing together a choreographed routine of hand slaps and boot stomps - forcefully trying to rhyme “steak” with “great” in their stupid song. Topping off the celebration tune with an all-at-once-now “yeeeeeeehaaaawwwwwww” that could be heard across the street at Kohl's.

Please stop.

This is my plea to dining establishments.

This must end immediately.

Stop the cheesy birthday song and dance routine - it’s unnecessary and super annoying to your customers. You’re interrupting people’s dinners for something everybody hates! It’s embarrassing to the birthday victim and embarrassing to your poor employees who just want to make it to their next break - so they can rush out to their car and get their vape on.

I took a quick glance around the restaurant and noticed multiple people rolling their eyes and covering their ears. By the fourth time, I too was frozen with my arms crossed wondering why we didn’t shell out a couple more bucks to have dinner at a higher-end joint that didn’t cater to this ridiculous musical theater.

I know this is harsh and I understand that abandoning this tradition is a mighty bold suggestion that will probably fall upon deaf ears. I know ol’ Frank who works in marketing at Applebee’s - with his tucked-in t-shirt and white New Balance sneakers, will argue that people LOVE to be embarrassed, and that birthday songs somehow translate into a slice of cake up-sale. But come on - there has to be a better way to show your appreciation. I don’t see anything wrong with walking over a scoop of ice cream with a candle plopped in the middle to quietly congratulate Grandma on another trip around the sun. Simple, sweet, and most of all silent.

I Can’t Stop Spatchcocking!

Have you been forced to read one of those goofy inspirational quotes at the end of somebody’s email signature - that preaches to you about delayed gratification? It goes something like, “The longer you wait for something, the more you’ll appreciate it when you get it. Because anything worth having is definitely worth the waiting.” Yadda yadda yadda….

Ya, it’s one of the longer quotes out there, and yep I’ve seen it more than a dozen times - and I really didn’t think twice about the message it was trying to convey. I’ve always been the type of person who hopped on Amazon and ordered whatever I wanted without really thinking about lighting my credit card up. Instant purchasing power and 2-day shipping is a wicked combination.

Despite my tendency to consistently hit submit my order, there was one purchase that I had been dragging my feet on for over 2 years - and I finally pulled the trigger.

Now I’m totally living that quote - I waited - I purchased - I’m giddy.

It was SO worth the wait!

For the longest time, I had been lusting for one of those pellet smoker grills that seem to be all the rage in the cooking community. I’d stop and look at them every time I was at Lowe’s or Cabela’s, much to my wife’s chagrin. I’d repeat all the benefits of owning one and cooking on it. I’d explain how it regulates the perfect temperature and make sure not to forget to highlight the included meat probe. I became the perfect pitchman to a random passerby in the store. I even think the guys at the Stock Show knew me by the first name because every year I’d wander into their booth and slowly run my hands over their meat furnaces.

I really wanted one.

My inner circle of bro buddies purchased their own pellet grills and raved about how great the food was they had been cooking. Sending me daily #FoodPorn pics of brisket and chicken wings. All the while I quietly debated on whether or not to spend the money on something that really was a WANT and not a NEED. I tucked some money back in an envelope that I had in my safe and every once in a while thumbed through the stack of 20’s wondering if my seductive smoker would be worth the wait and the money.

After patiently waiting all that time I can proudly say that with a resounding YES - it was totally worth the wait. I cook on it every night now - my food tastes better and cooking has become super fun! I spend hours on YouTube researching the perfect rubs and marinades. I’ve also discovered that I’m addicted to spatchcocking. I spend my afternoons dreaming of spatchcocking, wondering when I can spatchcock next.

I’ve become quite the spatchcocking pro!

Instagram groups are liking MY #FoodPorn pics now, and the grill company even followed me and showcased some of my meaty masterpieces on their account. I’m beaming with happiness right now, and I have to wonder if all this hullabaloo would have been non-existent if I had made the grill purchase spontaneously.

I’m all in on this embracing, waiting, and daydreaming lifestyle. So far it’s proving to be the more well-done way to go!

Take a listen to a funny clip from the show where we discussed my love of spatchcocking!