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The Most Disgusting Sandwich

“Shut your blaspheming mouth!”

“You’re disgusting!”

“I can’t stand you and your opinions!”

“You’re an idiot!”

“The only time I use peanut butter is to trap mice, and that's it... “

These are just some of the charming opinions that were posted on my Facebook after I proclaimed on the radio show that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the most disgusting sandwich on the planet.

Wow, people - you’re so kind, and what’s up with the one about mice?

Anyway…. I’m sorry it’s just how I feel. It’s a texture thing for me I guess. The thickness of the peanut butter mixed with the stale cold jelly/jam/preserves that you dig out from the back of your refrigerator - it all just becomes a mishmash of flavors that don’t belong in my belly. It’s a lazy meal and I have no use for it. The flavor sucks and the bread just falls apart. It’s trashy and that’s where it belongs. In the trash.

This particular abomination of a sandwich is reserved for starving college kids who can’t afford a decent meal and for children 10 and under - who just don’t know any better.

That’s it. It’s a child’s sandwich. Just thinking about this crappy concoction takes me back to elementary school lunches. Sitting down in the school cafeteria expecting a delicious slice of leftover pizza from Mom, but to my disappointment, I cracked open my He-Man lunch box to find a nasty soggy greasy blob of bread with some sort of discolored ooze sticking to the inside of a Ziploc bag. After a couple of bites of that monstrosity - the appeal will forever be stained. Toss that junk into the trash and hit recess, it’s time for tetherball!

Maybe that’s why I hate it so much.

I did read a stat the other day that talked about how the average American will eat over 2000 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by the time they graduate from high school. NO wonder by the time I became an adult I was sick of pounding these barf meals down my jelly hole - my pallet has become much more sophisticated now, and I’m turning my nose up to this American classic.

Another factor in my hatred of this deplorable sandwich probably comes from some of my OCD tendencies. I like everything neat and tidy - in its place - lined up and looking good. The PBJ is a visual disaster, there is no way of making it look presentable. It’s a smeary, sloppy, ooey gooey mess that makes me wince every time I see one. I need nicely presented meats and cheeses on a fresh hoagie spaced evenly apart to satisfy my sandwich snobbery.

I understand this is an unpopular opinion to have toward such an iconic dish - but it needs to be said. This is a stereotypical case of “looks like there’s more for you” - because I’m not backing down. The PB&J is a total puke fest, with or without crusts.

Thank you.

The Early Bird Gets Lucky

I’m naturally a night owl - just the way I’m wired I guess. I like watching the late night talk shows, love getting work done when everyone is tucked into bed and it’s nice and quiet, and let’s be honest those gross IPA’s start tasting a little bit better after 11 pm.

Unfortunately, for the past 15 years it’s been hard for me to enjoy my natural circadian rhythm because of my job. Working morning radio shakes me awake at 3:30 AM and gives me a good slumber shove into the sheets at 8:30 at night. So basically this natural night owl has been forced into the early bird lifestyle. Tweet. Tweet.

I know you’re saying quit complaining Jer, you have one of the coolest jobs on the planet - but I assure you if you rocked this gig, you too would miss being able to make wishes on shooting stars every night as well.

The reason I bring all of this lamenting up is because I was pretty stoked to see a study that was just released for World Sleep Day touting all of the benefits of being an early riser! After giving the article a quick skim - I gotta say I’m ready to wipe the goo out of my eyes and start welcoming the sunrise with a better attitude.

Score one for this sleepy head!

Check this greatness out. According to this goofy study, early risers make more money than night owls - high-five bank account - AND they have better sex lives!

Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

We’re getting freaky deaky like 3 times a week…no WONDER I’m so tired. Ha!

When it comes to social media we use the dreaded Facebook more often - although I’m more of an Instagram guy - we’re more likely to be happily married, we’re clean, we’re organized, and we love to be physically active! #HeartHealty Check. Check. Check. Check.

(Although don’t get me started on the whole starting at a new gym issue again - check it out HERE if you missed that funny discussion.)

Finally, one of the biggest factors that stuck out to me in this study is that ante meridiem (AM) peeps are generally happier with their life. How about that?! Getting up early translates to a more positive outlook on your day and an uptick in general life satisfaction. Sacrificing late nights out and rising with the bunnies will add a little spring to your step, get you lucky (hopefully), make you a couple more extra bucks, and at the end of the day you’ll lay your head down on that pillow with a cheesy smile on your face. Guess those drowsy mornings might be worth it after all.

Check out the whole story HERE if you want to learn more, and happy World Sleep Day.

Dry Cupcakes with Excessive Frosting

My wife came home the other day after picking our kids up from school and she walked in the front door with a flabbergasted look on her face. Dropping all of their bags and lunchboxes on the floor, she held up a handful of envelopes. Looking at me she said, “You have got to be kidding me….four more!”

Horrified, I smashed my face into the pillows on the couch and screamed “NO NO NO!”

Four more birthday invitations from the kids at school. Dear GAWD no!

A couple of days prior our son came home with 3 other invites, and last month we had to go to 2 birthday parties. Add all of these wonderful party passes up and our weekends are suddenly being consumed with shindigs for goofy classmates that we’ve never even heard of. Parents, are you reading this nodding your heads because you’re experiencing the same frustration? The constant flow of colorful card stock inviting excited peers and annoyed parents to an afternoon of lukewarm pizza, and cupcakes with excessive frosting.

The invites that surprised me the most were the ones that were coming from our daughter's preschool friends. Tiny little 3 and 4-year-olds pining for attention at their Frozen-themed festivities - and yes they’re ALL Frozen-themed. All of them.

We’ve definitely noticed that birthday invites are starting to trend younger and younger. My guess is not at the request of the little pip-squeaks either, but rather Pinterest parents competing to outdo each other in the world of competitive celebrations. Gone are the days of waiting until your child is pencils deep into elementary school before group birthday parties start - nowadays parents get bombarded by bombastic bashes for little blobs that still poo their pants. Talk about excessive frosting.

Fun right?

And let’s talk cost - start adding up gifts for these sweet little angel children. Twenty bucks a pop seems to be the going rate for a gift (more if you want to look like the top parent at the party). Add that up over our kids‘ classes and you get roughly 35 gifts that we have to supply (be boo bop boo - math) you’re looking at $700 bucks a year to bestow presents to kids that your child probably doesn’t even like!

My buddy Dom from the radio show came up with a GREAT suggestion on how to alleviate some of the stress and headaches of having to go to so many of these delightful events. I’m totally on board with his recommendation, how about creating 2 massive birthday celebrations that encompass all of the students at once? One for spring and summer birthdays and then one later in the year for fall and winter babies. How great is that idea!? You’re able to knock out a huge chunk of kids all at once - then you’re only ruining two Saturdays a year instead of a couple of month’s worth. And the presents? Either cancel the gifts altogether or maybe adopt this “fiver party” idea that I’ve seen some news outlets covering. In lieu of material gifts, guests can bring five dollar bills to give to the birthday boy/girl. The child can then take their haul from the 10 kids they invited to their party and buy a $50 gift of their choosing - or save the money! The kids learn a little money management and there is far less stress on the gift giver and a whole lot less money spent on these joyous celebrations. Do you dig it?

Give This Student An Award

I reached into my ridiculously tight skinny jeans a couple of hours ago and pulled out my dated 6S that was buzzing like a hive of bees - I spotted a text coming in from a buddy of mine that I hadn’t talked to in a while. His name is Chad and he’s the Art Director at a middle school out in the Highlands Ranch area. American Academy - Lincoln Meadows to be exact - great school - great people! We went back and forth with a handful of cordial salutations consisting of “Hey how have you been” and “We need to catch up”… yadda yadda yadda. Then, at about 6 messages deep, he surprised me with an image from what he calls “my biggest fan.”

Backstory: Chad has a student in his 6th grade art class named Emily. She was assigned the task of creating a piece of art based off a drawing rubric that he had created in an effort to challenge Emily to demonstrate her mastery of wicked-good pencil skills. Encouraging her to focus on key components like coming up with an idea, working on composition, perfecting shading, and focusing on details and craftsmanship. You know, fancy art lingo-type stuff that most people would probably just call “doodling”. From there, Emily’s job was to take a real-world person who inspires her and brings her joy - and turn that person into a lovely drawing that could then be displayed for the whole school to see. Chad left it completely up to his student to pick anyone she would like.

Text message #6 was an image that brought the biggest smile to my face. “Check this out, you’ll get a kick out of this!” Chad said.

Sweet little Emily had chosen ME to be the subject of her drawing. How cute is that, right?! Chad explained to me that she picked my goofy mug because she loves listening to me every morning on the show and that I make her family crack up on a daily basis. The drawing was displayed proudly in the halls of the school with a little Mix 100 shout-out scribbled in the corner. What a fun project and what a sweet gesture from this 6th grader - I’m truly flattered. I’m planning on making a little trip down to the school soon to meet Emily and her class and to thank her personally for her amazing work. I just hope that my buddy Chad gives this girl and A+ on the project and some sort of 1st place ribbon. She has definitely mastered her drawing techniques - I mean just look at the details of my giant teeth!

If you’d like to enjoy additional artwork from the students at American Academy - Lincoln Meadows click HERE. Talented kids!