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I Can’t Stop Spatchcocking!

SPATCHCOCK
Sappy

Have you been forced to read one of those goofy inspirational quotes at the end of somebody’s email signature - that preaches to you about delayed gratification? It goes something like, “The longer you wait for something, the more you’ll appreciate it when you get it. Because anything worth having is definitely worth the waiting.” Yadda yadda yadda….

Ya, it’s one of the longer quotes out there, and yep I’ve seen it more than a dozen times - and I really didn’t think twice about the message it was trying to convey. I’ve always been the type of person that hopped on Amazon and ordered whatever I wanted without really thinking about lighting my credit card up. Instant purchasing power and 2-day shipping is a wicked combination.

Despite my tendency to consistently hit submit my order, there was one purchase that I had been dragging my feet on for over 2 years - and I finally pulled the trigger.

Now I’m totally living that quote - I waited - I purchased - I’m giddy.

It was SO worth the wait!

For the longest time, I had been lusting for one of those pellet smoker grills that seem to be all the rage in the cooking community. I’d stop and look at them every time I was at Lowe’s or Cabela’s, much to my wife’s chagrin. I’d repeat all the benefits of owning one and cooking on it. I’d explain how it regulates the perfect temperature and making sure not to forget to highlight the included meat probe. I became the perfect pitchman to a random passersby in the store. I even think the guys at the Stock Show knew me by the first name because every year I’d wander into their booth and slowly run my hands over their meat furnaces.

I really wanted one.

CHicken

My inner circle of bro buddies purchased their own pellet grills and raved about how great the food was they had been cooking. Sending me daily #FoodPorn pics of brisket and chicken wings. All while I quietly debated on whether or not to spend the money on something that really was a WANT and not a NEED. I tucked some money back in an envelope that I had in my safe and every once in a while thumbed through the stack of 20’s wondering if my seductive smoker would be worth the wait and the money.

After patiently waiting all that time I can proudly say that with a resounding YES - it was totally worth the wait. I cook on it every night now - my food tastes better and cooking has become super fun! I spend hours on YouTube researching the perfect rubs and marinades. I’ve also discovered that I’m addicted to spatchcocking. I spend my afternoons dreaming of spatchcocking, wondering when I can spatchcock next.

I’ve become quite the spatchcocking pro!

Instagram groups are liking MY #FoodPorn pics now, and the grill company even followed me and showcased some of my meaty masterpieces on their account. I’m beaming with happiness right now, and I have to wonder if all this hullabaloo would have been non-existent if I had made the grill purchase spontaneously.

I’m all in on this embracing, waiting, and daydreaming lifestyle. So far it’s proving to be the more well-done way to go! 



Take a listen to a funny clip from the show where we discussed my love of spatchcocking!


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Dry Cupcakes with Excessive Frosting

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My wife came home the other day after picking our kids up from school and she walked in the front door with a flabbergasted look on her face. Dropping all of their bags and lunchboxes on the floor, she held up a handful of envelopes. Looking at me she said, “You have got to be kidding me….four more!”

Horrified, I smashed my face into the pillows on the couch and screamed “NO NO NO!” 

Four more birthday invitations from the kids at school. Dear GAWD no!

A couple of days prior our son came home with 3 other invites, and last month we had to go to 2 birthday parties. Add all of these wonderful party passes up and our weekends are suddenly being consumed with shindigs for goofy classmates that we’ve never even heard of. Parents, are you reading this nodding your heads because you’re experiencing the same frustration? The constant flow of colorful card stock inviting excited peers and annoyed parents to an afternoon of luke-warm pizza, and cupcakes with excessive frosting.

Invites

The invites that are surprising me the most are the ones that are coming from our daughter's pre-school friends. Tiny little 3 and 4 years olds pining for attention at their Frozen themed festivities - and yes they’re ALL Frozen themed. All of them.

We’ve definitely noticed that birthday invites are starting to trend younger and younger.  My guess is not at the request of the little pip-squeaks either, but rather Pinterest parents competing to outdo each other in the world of competitive celebrations. Gone are the days of waiting until your child is pencils deep into elementary school before group birthday parties start - nowadays parents get bombarded by bombastic bashes for little blobs that still poo their pants. Talk about excessive frosting.

Fun right?

And let’s talk cost - start adding up gifts for these sweet little angel children.  Twenty bucks a pop seems to be the going rate for a gift (more if you want to look like the top parent at the party). Add that up over our kids 2 classes and you get roughly 35 gifts that we have to supply (be boo bop boo - math) you’re looking at $700 bucks a year to bestow presents to kids that your child probably doesn’t even like!

My buddy Dom from the radio show came up with a GREAT suggestion on how to alleviate some of the stress and headaches of having to go to so many of these delightful events. I’m totally on board with his recommendation, how about creating 2 massive birthday celebrations that encompass all of the students at once? One for spring and summer birthdays and then one later in the year for fall and winter babies. How great is that idea!? You’re able to knock out a huge chunk of kids all at once - then you’re only ruining two Saturdays a year instead of a couple months worth. And the presents? Either cancel the gifts altogether or maybe adopt this “fiver party” idea that I’ve seen some news outlets covering. In lieu of material gifts, guests can bring five dollar bills to give to the birthday boy/girl. The child can then take their haul from the 10 kids they invited to their party and buy a $50 gift of their choosing - or save the money! The kids learn a little money management and there is far less stress on the gift giver and a whole lot less money spent on these joyous celebrations. You dig it?


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My Wife Has A Gas Problem

Gas Problem

My wife - I love her, I really do. Mostly because she keeps THIS goofy dude in line. I give her mad props for dealing with all of my annoying behaviors, weird smells, and my tendency to spend way too much money on guy gadgets that I’m lusting after. Interrogations about Cabela’s and Amazon purchases on the credit card are fairly typical occurrences at my house - I usually just play dumb and then run and hide in the basement.

My latest purchase - that didn’t go over very well. #PitBoss

My latest purchase - that didn’t go over very well. #PitBoss

(If you want hear more about my spending issues check out the “Marriage Quid Pro Quo” podcast from the morning show - it’s pretty funny! Click HERE)

She also hates it when I don’t clean the microwave after something explodes, my hoodies are always on the floor, and crumbs on the coffee table, ya - those aren’t mine.

In addition to some of my idiosyncrasies, she blames me all the ding-dang time for having “man-vision” around the house. You know what I’m talking about - I’m looking in the cupboard for the peanut butter searching searching searching - I can’t find it! Frustrated I yell out “where is the PEANUT BUTTER?!” She calmly walks over and takes a quick look on the second shelf of the cupboard and BOOM pulls out the giant tub of deliciously creamy JIFF. Turning slowly in my direction, she shoots me a glare and walks away. Whoops, that’s embarrassing.

Needless to say she puts up with a lot from me, but it’s time to turn the tables on my smooth skinned lover. Yep, I admit I have a few minor irritations that she has to put up with, but they all pale in comparison to the ONE BIG annoyance that I’m sick of dealing with.

Honey we need to talk…why is it that you NEVER fill up your car with gas?

EVER!!

This is a gas pump. Use this device to put gas in your vehicle. It’s very simple to use.

This is a gas pump. Use this device to put gas in your vehicle. It’s very simple to use.

Dudes that are skimming this post - are you with me? Does the wonderful woman in your life neglect her parched vehicle and just cruise by every gas station?

Survey says? YES!

I’ve asked some of my other friends and it seems to be an epidemic. None of their wives or girlfriends fill up either! Thirsty gas tanks all around the country are being neglected due to a blatant disregard of that little needle on your dash - pointing directly to the giant E. Is it laziness or is she just not familiar with how an automobile works? “Oh so that’s what that little door on the side of my car is for…”

I was always taught to never get below a quarter tank just in case you have to leave in an emergency. Maybe you’ll get stuck in a traffic jam and you have to idle for awhile, or what if you get stuck in one of our Colorado snow storms? You want that baby full - you’ll need that petroleum power!

I’ll tell you when it gets super annoying is on the weekends when we load up the family to head out for some fun and errands and I look down to see her gas light on. Why can’t she just fill up Friday after work on her way home? It takes about 10 mins of your time and it would avoid our weekly driveway argument - I’m sure our nosy neighbors would appreciate the quiet.

Maybe I’m over reacting, or maybe I’m an enabler because I’ll go fill it up for her when it’s low - because I’m a gentlemen. I think she’s set in her ways and I might have to chalk this up to one of life’s big mysteries.

I just wish that one of these times when I go out to use her car, I fire it up to find that needle pointing to the F. Which in this case would not mean “FULL” but instead, “FINALLY!”


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Give This Student An Award

Student Award

I reached into my ridiculously tight skinny jeans a couple of hours ago and pulled out my dated 6S that was buzzing like a hive of bees - I spotted a text coming in from a buddy of mine that I hadn’t talked to in awhile. His name is Chad and he’s the Art Director at a middle school out in the Highlands Ranch area. American Academy - Lincoln Meadows to be exact - great school - great people! We went back and forth with a handful of cordial salutations consisting of “hey how have you been” and “we need to catch up”… yadda yadda yadda. Then, at about 6 messages deep, he surprised me with an image from what he calls “my biggest fan.”

Backstory: Chad has a student in his 6th grade art class named Emily. She was assigned the task of creating a piece of art based off a drawing rubric that he had created in an effort to challenge Emily to demonstrate her mastery of wicked good pencil skills. Encouraging her to focus on key components like coming up with an idea, working on composition, perfecting shading, and focusing on details and craftsmanship. You know, fancy art lingo type stuff that most people would probably just call “doodling”. From there, Emily’s job was to then take a real world person that inspires her and brings her joy - and turn that person into a lovely drawing that could then be displayed for the whole school to see. Chad left it completely up to his student to pick anyone she would like.

Text message #6 was an image that brought the biggest smile to my face. “Check this out, you’ll get a kick out of this!” Chad said.

Sweet little Emily had chosen ME to be the subject of her drawing. How cute is that, right?! Chad explained to me that she picked my goofy mug because she loves listening to me every morning on the show and that I make her family crack up on a daily basis. The drawing was displayed proudly in the halls of the school with a little Mix 100 shout-out scribbled in the corner. What a fun project and what a sweet gesture from this 6th grader - I’m truly flattered. I’m planning on making a little trip down to the school soon to meet Emily and her class and to thank her personally for her amazing work. I just hope that my buddy Chad gives this girl and A+ on the project and some sort of 1st place ribbon. She has definitely mastered her drawing techniques - I mean just look at the details of my giant teeth!


If you’d like to enjoy additional artwork from the students at American Academy - Lincoln Meadows click HERE. Talented kids!


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Hairy Head Holes

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I’m a few months shy of the big 4-0 and all of the sudden my nose holes have turned into tropical grottoes for dozens of new follicles. I was playing a little game of peekaboo with myself in the bathroom mirror the other day when I placed a single finger on the tip of my nose and gently pulled up. When what to my wondering eyes did appear but miniature hairs all up in here… what the HELL is happening? GOOD NIGHT - feelings of straight up disgust starting running through my mind!

How come NO ONE pointed this out to me - my wife, my mom, co workers?

Nope, not a peep - help your buddy Jer-Bear out! I’m having visions of turning into that creepy hairy dude in the office that everyone talks about. Do I whistle when I breathe and I haven’t noticed? How about inhabitants, what kind of creepy crawly things are able to call this forest home? Is nose lice a thing? Gross.

I’ve never logged onto my phone faster than at this moment. I quickly opened up my Amazon app and within 5 minutes had purchased the mac daddy of professional nose hair trimmers. This bad boy was going to get a workout in exactly 2 days - arriving before 8 pm. Thanks Prime!

Below you’ll find the product review of my tiny little man machine - and I think you’ll enjoy the end result. Stick around until the end to see how this weed wacker performed. And ladies, if you have a man in your life that is starting to grow giant sequoias in his face holes - TELL HIM, we don’t want you looking at that mess.


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