Champagne Showers

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed the other day and I stumbled on a video that was making the rounds here in Denver. The Mile High City was abuzz because our Denver Nuggets basketball team clinched a spot in the 2019 playoffs. The celebrations started online with pictures and tweets commemorating this wonderful accomplishment.  One of most exciting videos was that of Nuggets head coach Michael Malone making his way into the locker room after the big win to fist bump his super tall team - and after a few celebratory words something happened that has always confused me.

Liquid celebrations.

The act of taking some sort of liquid and drenching your teammates with it like kids in the 90’s with a Super Soaker water gun - making a complete and total mess of your surroundings. Baptizing your teammates with bottles of water in the Nuggets case, or in most circumstances wasting hundreds of dollars on fancy champagne as you drench lockers, lights, and camera crews after the big win.

Like I said, it confuses the heck out of me as to why sports teams do this. I wouldn’t want to walk around all sticky for the rest of the afternoon and I can’t imagine the dollar amount for the damage caused by the moisture merriment. It’s a strange ritual in my opinion and although dumbfounded when I see it happen, deep down the Super Bowl champ inside me wants to be a part of it all!

I want to be a part of this ridiculous jubilee where I get to soak everyone and everything around me! I want to make a mess.

My sports days are behind me so it’s highly doubtful that winning some sort of athletic contest will lead me to this kind of celebration. So here’s my question: why is this only reserved for professional sports players? Why can’t we adopt this type of celebration in our everyday life?

Who’s with me? You don’t have to be a superstar in a locker room somewhere to have this much fun.

Your kid comes home with straight A’s - I say you surprise him with a blast in the face with a bottle of Hawaiian Punch! Your husband gets a big promotion at work - how about an Arbor Mist bath right there in the kitchen?! 

Exciting right?

Or maybe you just saved 50 bucks at the grocery store by clipping coupons …girl it’s time to party! Gather the family around the living room for a juice box shower.

These pressure-washing parties should always be an option when celebrating milestones in our mundane lives - not just for these millionaire sports personalities. I guarantee your grandma is gonna love the purple Gatorade drenching on her 80th, and your sister who just announced she’s going Vegan better get ready for an almond milk enema because it’s time to let the liquid flow!

Honestly, do you ever see these sports dudes frowning when the Veuve Clicquot sprinklers start firing off? Nope, they always have a big cheesy smile plastered on their face and I want YOU to be smiling too. Join me won’t you, in embracing this idea. Grab a poncho and some Pommery - let’s warm up those wrists - shake that baby up and have a bubbly blowout right there at the DMV because they FINALLY called your number!

You in? Let’s get goofy.

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Stop Singing!

The time has come for family restaurant chains to make a drastic change to their business model. It’s time to sit down with your marketing teams, managers, and restaurant owners and have a discussion about eliminating one of the most annoying things about casual family dining.

I experienced it again about a week ago when my wife and I loaded up the kiddos for a spontaneous little dinner out. It was late in the week and neither one of us had the energy to crack open the oven to make a meal, and we didn’t even want to think about the pile of dishes that would follow! Yuck.

So, we loaded up the family SUV and zipped on down to one of our favorite little steak places. We arrived early and the restaurant was fairly empty. We were greeted by a lovely young lady that escorted us to a delightful corner booth. The waiter came over and dispensed with the typical welcoming script of drink specials, appetizer choices, and the five dollar shrimp skewer up-sale. After a quick perusal of the menu and about fifteen minutes later, we all had our meals and everyone was forks deep in cow. 

Soon after, the restaurant started filling up... and that’s when the annoyances began. That’s when the birthday celebrations started and the horribly written - corporate mandated birthday song was unleashed.

We counted four of them during our time at the restaurant that evening. Four times a disgruntled looking wait staff lumbered over to an unsuspecting patron to WOW the steakhouse with their witty little birthday parody. Piecing together a choreographed routine of hand slaps and boot stomps - forcefully trying to rhyme “steak” with “great” in their stupid song. Topping off the celebration tune with an all-at-once-now “yeeeeeeehaaaawwwwwww” that could be heard across the street at Kohl's.

Please stop.

This is my plea to dining establishments.

This must end immediately.

Stop the cheesy birthday song and dance routine - it’s unnecessary and super annoying to your customers. You’re interrupting people’s dinners for something everybody hates! It’s embarrassing to the birthday victim and embarrassing to your poor employees who just want to make it to their next break - so they can rush out to their car and get their vape on.

I took a quick glance around the restaurant and noticed multiple people rolling their eyes and covering their ears. By the fourth time, I too was frozen with my arms crossed wondering why we didn’t shell out a couple more bucks to have dinner at a higher-end joint that didn’t cater to this ridiculous musical theater.

I know this is harsh and I understand that abandoning this tradition is a mighty bold suggestion that will probably fall upon deaf ears. I know ol’ Frank who works in marketing at Applebee’s - with his tucked-in t-shirt and white New Balance sneakers, will argue that people LOVE to be embarrassed, and that birthday songs somehow translate into a slice of cake up-sale. But come on - there has to be a better way to show your appreciation. I don’t see anything wrong with walking over a scoop of ice cream with a candle plopped in the middle to quietly congratulate Grandma on another trip around the sun. Simple, sweet, and most of all silent.

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